He did it again... Yet says he did nothing wrong. That it is all in my head. However MEN don't view life the same way. As women are more emotional and sensitive about most things. With some leaning towards physical touch. As I often feel the need for.. He however needs visual stimulation from pictures instead of reality. He'd rather fantasize about things instead of living and touching the real things. We've been married for 25 years now. That;s 1/4 of a century. and been together for 27 years. Yet he still seems to ignore how somethings make make feel.
I never said I was pretty. Pleasing to the eyes. or have a perfect figure. I used to have the last one, but age and babies robbed me of that. I always believed that beauty was in the eye of the beholder, or person needing to know the truth.
My father once told me that it matters what is on the inside. Not what the eye sees. As people too often manipulate and enhance it to fool the mind into believing what the eyes see is real or true. He told me that it is the heart and spirit of the person that make them who they are. As the flesh is corrupt from sin. The part God cares about is our spirit and heart.So that is where I place my beauty and nurture it to bloom and grow strong and secure.
So to protect myself from this type of crap I begin shutting down. So that only a certain amount of me is seen by the world or those closest to me. How long always depends on each individual situation.
Then he tells me I'm worthless and a failure That I can't do anything right. If I ever do open up my heart's dream or hopes he is quick to dash them down. Telling me they're nothing or won't amount to much
However he always complains about having to work, He hates it and keeps saying he wishes he didnt have to. Which is kinda screwed. As I'm the one that so desperately wants to work but this state wont allow me to have full time employment. They'd rather leave me on SSDI labeling me as something I refuse to accept.
Isn't that ironic. That he has what I so desperately wish for. and would gladly throw it away if he could.
I'm not sure why God allows things like this. Kind of seems like a cruel joke being played out on me sometimes.
Then last night I slept out here in the living room as he hates the heater in the bedroom so refuses to use it. I couldn't stay warm. So I needed to be warm because I was in pain and slept out in my recliner. Which I might do again tonight to stay warm. As we have the heater on in there. He thinks it was because of what bothers me about him right now. But that has nothing to do with it.
The only thing that results will happen with is him being ignored in as many ways as possible. Not counting meals. He says he'll be mad at me for a long time. That is fine by me. as it is a 2 way street right now/
So right now I'm just hoping for peace to flood over us. However I don't see it happening anytime soon. Praying that he'll understand how I feel. I can't control life in general but I can control what and how it effects me physically and emotionally or mentally.
Then I read in a post my son put that he got suspended from his college, for some sort of problem. However he says things all the time. Most of it just to hurt me. or cause me concern. So this could just be an attention thing. As the college hasn't called me about any serious infraction by him. As he'd need somewhere to go if he couldnt stay there.
